i dont think...

so just thinking from yesterday and what ive noticed for myself about everything in my life and what is in store in the future for me.. im not ready for whats to come in the future, im not ready for what is next in my life, im not ready at all for my life to be without you.

I really do suck at keeping in touch with people/friends. I do have friends and I do have my main bestfriends. I trust them of course. Im okay if i dont have alot of friends. I dont like to party as much...im more the type of chilled kinda person. I dont like to smoke or drink...i dont like to hang around people who smoke or drink either. Family parties where they drink is acceptable but other than that NOPE! I dont like it when people try to get in my business and bug me 24/7 about it. I also dont like it when people text/call me and they keep texting and calling me after that first call or text. UHM? if i didnt text or call you back...did you think i wanted to talk?

im sorry, ive been to myself lately. keeping my feelings inside and dont really plan on opening it up to the whole world. i dont know who i can talk to or go to for talking about them either.

I like to be successful and go after my goals that i have to achieve in my life. I like to concentrate on school, somebody needs to learn and do things right? I do make mistakes, but i never regret just lessons learned. Im strong and Im weak. Im a very complicated, confusing, and stubborn person. I like to go out with friends occasionaly but i mostly like to spend all my time with my family. Family is my inspiration...hah! sounds kinda cheesy. I have big dreams and plans for myself and for them. I dont really put myself first, i put the ones i love and care about the most first before myself. Well theirs alot more you dont know about me.

I am scared, because i cant open up anymore. I dont know where to go and where ill end up. Im stuck here at one spot like always. D;

Confusing && Complicated

Growing Up is the toughest thing in my life right now. NO not at all im glad i am growing up and learning each and everyday and realizing all the big/little/great/bad things i have in my life. But honestly im scared. Summer is almost ending and im not sure if i am ready to start school again. Junior this year and gosh my classes i'll be taking, can i handle it? Just turned SWEET16 and looking for a job. Hmmm wasnt so sweet besides having my family around but saying goodbye was hard again. Volleyball is my main concentration at the moment it keeps me going and to look forward in life. Im going to be honest i had no life since family came to town. I miss them so much now. Taking a trip to San Diego next week, excited for that. Actual birthday is today, had volleyball practice and im planning on seeing my bestie D.Leoning and hanging out with him. (:

Im scared to see how fast this summer is going for me and now curious to see how junior year will be like and how fast it will all go. I do have plans and big dreams for my life but where do i start? Im confused, sad, and very much complicated. I dont wanna look back at all the hard times i went through and looking back at the good times just keeps me going. I dont wanna be held back but to just too keep on going. Im ready but im scared and worried if i can handle it. UGHH! Taking one step at a time.

Maybe i'll be okay someday and i will figure things out for me sometime soon. I just dont wanna let go. I dont think i can let go of how much feelings i have and how scared and how confused and how much i need you. I just want everything for me to be okay NOOO not "okay" i want it to be GREAT again but i need you. The only one that keeps me going everyday. D;

SWEET...

Im Scared! Why? well basically so many things in my life thats going on all at once. family to friends to my social life to no life to future life! :O
Im happy that i got to see Meis, Hailey, Sydney, Jennifer and Jaia! I've been spending ALOT of time with my family and im happy that tonight i got to see them all together again. Tomorrow should be great too. I've been realizing so many things everyday. I am scared to let go, I am scared to even get close, I am scared to even try now. I dont know what to do and i dont know what to say when people ask me so many questions. D;
I dont want to answer anyone because im scared to trust them. Maybe its not them, but i know it is me. Cause things changed and we do have to accept it one way or another. From past, present, futrue. Im scared and maybe one day i'll be okay; hopefully... but for right now i dont know that i will be okay. Im COMPLICATED and CONFUSING!
I want to start all over but I dont want to. I want to continue but its all falling apart. Where do i start?

So Far...

What more is their for me to say...
Ughhhhhh well i have been going out with the family everyday and be spending ALOT of time with them. They have been keeping things off my mind, and so far its doing okay once in A WHILE. But i also spend sometime on my own. Yeah im going to admit my summer'09 has changed things for me and well i have been spending time alone; maybe alot than i should have. oh well. i hardly keep in touch with people. i feel bad but i guess i need time on my own for now. figure things out. im sorry.
so tomorrow or today i have alot to do. and yes bestfriend is coming today. and hopefully things work out tomorrow (sunday) HAH!
tonight... bestfriend is cheering me up with everything and its doing alright but i still miss him. D;

my thoughts...

I have ALOT on my fckn mind. why? i miss everything so much. im very complicated at the moment huh?! sheesh! i care about so many things and i cant make it right for myself. im doing too many things all at once. i want my life back! ):

i love it

I Love how right when im about to go to sleep you text me to see how i am doing. you know i dont mind when people text me right when im about to go to sleep but this person is the best. this person would and will probably be the only one i would actually text back late at night. its a once in awhile kinda thing we do to eachother. just whoa! i couldnt sleep last night at all with the thunder and lightning then texting someone i needed that someone last night. ugh i just when i was good, i wake up thinking my cousin is here. when will they be here gosh. :O

but anyways I Love it when that person does that to me and what that person say's to me. Always & Forever We Promised Eachother!

Change?

These are the mains, who i love and trust. Im thankful to have them in my life.
I cant really sleep. yes i kinda do sleep early now. hmmm just some little thoughts on my mind. it's raining and thunder and lightning! i love it but at the same time i dont like it at all. im weird yes. i do that alot. i say i like something and want something but at the same time i dont like it and dont want it. uhm yeah? oh well.

So lets get on with this blog. i've realized or have been realizing that my life's changed so much good and bad. i guess like since i've moved from hawaii to vegas and like all i've went through. mostly its more of the topic... bestfriends and friends?

I do have bestfriends and friends. but right now i just feel like i have my 3main bestfriends. im okay with that, its just funny for me to say and sad for me to say this. i dont have much friends now. HAH. well now it is summer and we are all busy or just live to far from each other. but i guess its cause i dont go out much, im not good at keeping in touch or i dont like to return people's calls or texts... OOOPS. idk im more like keep to myself and have my alone time. dont get me wrong im there for when others need me, im glad to help but at the same time their are times where IJDGAF at all. we all have our days rights?

I ABSOLUTELY; love and miss my bestfriends A-M.Cardona, K.Kaalekahi, M.Samiano. RIGHT NOW i wish i was back home in hawaii to spend time with them. Since A-M.Cardona is visiting. UGHHHHH! eversince 6th grade they will always be my bestfriends. no lie, even if we dont see each other much or havent talked to each other in so long they are and always will be my bestfriends who i can trust no matter what. We do talk once in awhile. gosh needa see them soon.
NOW; my main3 are H.Mezy, D.Leoning, O.Estrada. hmmm always and forever.

BEFORE; people do change, i know and i've seen it. sometimes they change for good or bad. we cant control others but it does affect us one way or another. i dont trust easily and i dont really give in easily. i do get hurt by others and i hurt others. i guess im really trying to understand why we hurt others and why do we get hurt. maybe its just life and how it really goes. i do forgive but i never forget, although i really try to. as much as i want to believe others and trust others i cant. i hold back to tell them things. sometimes people who i once used to tell my problems to and who i used to run to...its not the same idk if its me or if its them. i want to understand why its changed for me and between people i once trusted before. i dont think they did anything bad. maybe it is just me. in the end i feel like it is me who just cant trust at all or believe anything what others may say. i used to be very opened with everything. we all change cause life is moving on... someday ill understand... just some thoughts on my mind.

Summer Days!

HMMM yeah im new to this and someone once told me that i write all my feelings out instead of saying it... i guess its true. Maybe i'll try this out. Im not sure who would want to read about my life and how gay it really is. Nothing exciting about it... thats what i say. Uhm? i guess whoever comes along and wants to read about my life, go ahead. So it's still summer and just one more month and will be back in school again. :O

So yes lets get to know me a little...
im shayna, birthday is a week away JULY28! im a Junior at NWCTA! Medical is the program im in, studying the medical field. I have big dreams and im planning to achieve them. is that good enough?

Guess What?
im very complicated at the moment, i am a big mess. I do have ALOT on my mind everyday from morning to night; I overthink things too. Well then everyday theirs a change for me, i think things differently and I dont say much when your around me. So half the things on my mind is unsaid. I do have 3 main bestfriends i talk to EVERYDAY! Those are the ones I TRUST; always&forever! I tell them everything thats on my mind even if i dont want to, they get it out.

Main thing is: summer!
wow arnt i confusing? from a little intro to a little fact about myself and NOW to the main point...
I thought summer was going to be the best this year for me but i also knew it was a change for me and i knew it would change things in my life A LITTLE. that "A LITTLE" went to ALOT CHANGE in my life! sadly my summer was supposed to be spent at home...hawaii? i decided not to. then i was supposed to spend summer in san diego, CA. i decided not to cause of this one person...didnt want to take any chances. Lastly im stuck in boring las vegas? people say their is alot to do in vegas! oh yeah? like what?! Im not a good planner with hangouts and chill days. I dont really like to go out much either. I mostly been spending my days at home with the family. I like it and dislike it at the same time. Staying home let me realize alot and really got me to think of EVERYTHING of my life... WHY? Life came at me all at once but we all have to grow up right? im scared, im worried, im confused, i want to figure it out before school starts. this is what i think about everyday.

So SUMMER2009, thank you! hah.
We all have to grow up and move on cause life does go on. With everything i've been through from my past... im scared to make mistakes. i dont want to live regrets and im not going to... its lessons learned! I have so much, too much, to think of. I cant be happy but make other people i care about to be happy. Wrong? yeah i know but its my life. I have to start focusing on my life and get things straight again... GROW UP RIGHT?! Doing what i love to do...VOLLEYBALL! Concentrating on that first. Family is coming up this week and cant wait to spend time with my cousin/little sister RENA. Bestfriend/Bestie D.Leoning is moving up here this weekend. Yay cant wait to see him again. Turning sixteen, whats so sweet about that? nothing much and nothing big. oh well! Daddy will be home soon. just one more week! i miss him so much everyday. Family to Volleyball is everything to me right now. hmmmmm thats all for today.