JUNIORRRR YEARRRR

ohhhh so finally summer'09 came to an end and here was the beginning of junior year. great! hah so i couldnt really sleep last night because i wasnt excited or nervous about school, i guess cause i was so used to staying up so dayummm late and wasnt tired at all. this morning was kinda hard for me to wake up but i woke up got ready pretty quick then we went to starbucks YUMM! didnt really drink mines though, hah. anywho waiting at the bus stop was just to weird i mean its far from my house and i didnt know the ppl that was at our bus stop. we only had like 4 juniors their. FUNNY! dont worry pretty soon i'll be licensesss and will be driving to school instead of the bus taking me their.

so like while on the bus it was full then walking i see this empty seat and i see trisha! what a surprised sat next to her and we talked about how today would prolly be like we got to school 5min before class started. seen destinee my gosh she looked gorgeous and we went to homeroom. i pretty much was fine and decided to just smile and be happy to make things easier for me. my classes are alright. i was so nervous to go to my classes but i pretty much have someone i know in class to talk to so im not alone. i like my classes though except algebra2 fckn teacher has attitude! gayyyy.

basic question i got the whole day "are you still with oscar?"... wasnt so great about that i mean i already was nervous to see him. i went to 3rd period and thanks to kyle you dummy announced it to the whole class. and all i could do was smile and act like i didnt care, it finally hit me that i couldnt really handle all the questions why when and who and are you okay... UGHHHH! >:O walking in the fucking halls was hard cause their are hella new freshmens my gosh! so in 4th period i noticed some shoes and found out it was oscar sitting a seat away from me and oh dang did i want to break down and cry. jennifer felt the awkwardness. and after that i kept seeing him around. i didnt think i wold even have classes with him this year. i even have lunch with him. im happy though but today was just not so great.

i mean i couldnt say anything to you i couldnt look at you. all i had was memories running thorugh my head while walking in the halls. fuck mann when i got on the bus i just couldnt stop crying. going home and just thinking is all i can do. i miss you and i love you so much. i do need you in my life. we talked and said your sorry for everything that has happened and what happened today. you called me and you cheered me up. i love you so much even though you give me fckn headaches and make me so confused and things get frustrating and complicated all at once, in the end i know that i will always have you their to make me smile again. what a day huh!?

Almost an Ending...

Ohhhhhh finally just one more week until school starts! HAH I'm feeling happy, excited, confused, scared, nervous and shy all at once and school hasnt even started. Oh well I just cant wait to start Junior Year cause I'm tired of staying home or almost staying home. hehe(:

Wow I haven't wrote a blog in like a week or two. Hmm what has changed...
Summer in the beginning was alright then it got very bad and I hated how things were for me until I started to spend time with family and it got all better from their. Volleyball came around and started practicing again and it just felt good to keep myself busy and away from everything I was going through. Now that I think of it my Summer'09 isn't the best but it was just a realization for me and pretty chilled, I guess. So it's almost over and I just feel CONFUSED cause what I've been through this whole summer.

Sooooooo after that weekend in San Diego, I realized so many things that I put myself through and what I really need to figure out. I didn't want to leave SD cause it felt so good to get out of this hot ass desert. ^.^ But I had to leave cause of volleyball... So volleyball camp was this past week/weekend and damnnnn was I in pain and just tired. I loved it though, I love playing it was fun. Ohhhh G.I.JOE; that movie was really good HAH I was confused in the beginning but I got it. Try-outs for volleyball is tomorrow and tuesday... GOODLUCK to me and all the other girls. I cant wait. So many things I have to do this week before I leave again to go back to SAN DIEGO, CA!!! YAYYYY a great way to end my summer'09 lol. Its funny how summer just comes and goes so quickly and like it sucks how we say "ohhh we have all summer to hangout" but when is that? summer is ending and school is starting... I hardly seen people, I guess it was just my fault cause I didnt really want to go out. "/

I came to a conclusion when I was in SD, that Im still confused on where I'll be after Highschool but I kind of got a plan... It was my original plan when I was little and now I'm thinking of really following it. Me and my cousin have to go back to SD and look at the colleges, cause my auntie said so. HAH I have to start thinking of what I'm gonna do in my future and what I wanna study and where I'm gonna go to school for it. I decided I'll be applying to UNLV and SDSU and other colleges in California. :D I really want to go to SDSU for some odd reason cause it was always my choice when I was little. Who knows where I'll end up from Now and THEN... My options are still open and my decions will change but will see...

Things for me in my life are finally turning around and starting to make sense one step at a time and im almost happy to where I was before... I'm not satisfied but hopefully soon. This it for now... hehe

Vacation?

So i havent been keeping updated on my blogs. hah OH WELL! cause i dont really wanna let my life out there. so lately so far the last few weeks of my summer'09...
i guess you can say that its getting better, i mean im not satisfied at whats happening in my life but im learning to accept it as much as i can. Mainly im thinking about how I dont like, how i am forced to grow up but so far im doing things independently and taking control of my life... Being the oldest is tough and the oldest on mom's side; just so much pressure on me. I wanna live and be happy but im not even close to it. I thought i was close to being happy about my life until things fell apart all at once on top of eachother.

Summer '09:

• Best part of it was seeing, spending time, just hanging out with my bestfriend D.Leoning! Gosh I Missed Him SOOO MUCH and I still do. HAH. :D
• Volleyball is just great I mean it takes my mind off what im dealing with. I Love how I can have fun and just play hard at the end of every practice I feel like i just had a good workout!
• Spending time with family at parties and bbq's are the best cause they keep me happy and I just love to have fun with them. Someone once told me that "Family will ALWAYS be there for you and ALWAYS will Love And Care about You even if you make a mistake in Life. They're their to pick you up and make you happy when your down" :D
• Friends/Close Friends/Bestfriends... Kinda scared to go back to school in about two weeks Im not sure what to expect. but I'll have to deal with it right. I dont know if im ready. "/ I dont really keep in touch with most of my friends and close friends are always helpful when you need adivice, bestfriends are just everything to me. THANK YOU SO MUCH!

San Diego this weekend last vacation trip until idk when. Hopefully things go good they're and I just wanna have fun and relax!!

Volleyball camp all next week. YAY! excited but i know imma be halla tired! D;

Volleyball try-outs the following week; GOOD LUCK TO ME AND ALL THE OTHER GIRLS!

JUNIOR YEAR; following week after that will be the first of my JUNIOR YEAR! ^.^ hmmmmmmm thats the update so far...

i dont think...

so just thinking from yesterday and what ive noticed for myself about everything in my life and what is in store in the future for me.. im not ready for whats to come in the future, im not ready for what is next in my life, im not ready at all for my life to be without you.

I really do suck at keeping in touch with people/friends. I do have friends and I do have my main bestfriends. I trust them of course. Im okay if i dont have alot of friends. I dont like to party as much...im more the type of chilled kinda person. I dont like to smoke or drink...i dont like to hang around people who smoke or drink either. Family parties where they drink is acceptable but other than that NOPE! I dont like it when people try to get in my business and bug me 24/7 about it. I also dont like it when people text/call me and they keep texting and calling me after that first call or text. UHM? if i didnt text or call you back...did you think i wanted to talk?

im sorry, ive been to myself lately. keeping my feelings inside and dont really plan on opening it up to the whole world. i dont know who i can talk to or go to for talking about them either.

I like to be successful and go after my goals that i have to achieve in my life. I like to concentrate on school, somebody needs to learn and do things right? I do make mistakes, but i never regret just lessons learned. Im strong and Im weak. Im a very complicated, confusing, and stubborn person. I like to go out with friends occasionaly but i mostly like to spend all my time with my family. Family is my inspiration...hah! sounds kinda cheesy. I have big dreams and plans for myself and for them. I dont really put myself first, i put the ones i love and care about the most first before myself. Well theirs alot more you dont know about me.

I am scared, because i cant open up anymore. I dont know where to go and where ill end up. Im stuck here at one spot like always. D;

Confusing && Complicated

Growing Up is the toughest thing in my life right now. NO not at all im glad i am growing up and learning each and everyday and realizing all the big/little/great/bad things i have in my life. But honestly im scared. Summer is almost ending and im not sure if i am ready to start school again. Junior this year and gosh my classes i'll be taking, can i handle it? Just turned SWEET16 and looking for a job. Hmmm wasnt so sweet besides having my family around but saying goodbye was hard again. Volleyball is my main concentration at the moment it keeps me going and to look forward in life. Im going to be honest i had no life since family came to town. I miss them so much now. Taking a trip to San Diego next week, excited for that. Actual birthday is today, had volleyball practice and im planning on seeing my bestie D.Leoning and hanging out with him. (:

Im scared to see how fast this summer is going for me and now curious to see how junior year will be like and how fast it will all go. I do have plans and big dreams for my life but where do i start? Im confused, sad, and very much complicated. I dont wanna look back at all the hard times i went through and looking back at the good times just keeps me going. I dont wanna be held back but to just too keep on going. Im ready but im scared and worried if i can handle it. UGHH! Taking one step at a time.

Maybe i'll be okay someday and i will figure things out for me sometime soon. I just dont wanna let go. I dont think i can let go of how much feelings i have and how scared and how confused and how much i need you. I just want everything for me to be okay NOOO not "okay" i want it to be GREAT again but i need you. The only one that keeps me going everyday. D;

SWEET...

Im Scared! Why? well basically so many things in my life thats going on all at once. family to friends to my social life to no life to future life! :O
Im happy that i got to see Meis, Hailey, Sydney, Jennifer and Jaia! I've been spending ALOT of time with my family and im happy that tonight i got to see them all together again. Tomorrow should be great too. I've been realizing so many things everyday. I am scared to let go, I am scared to even get close, I am scared to even try now. I dont know what to do and i dont know what to say when people ask me so many questions. D;
I dont want to answer anyone because im scared to trust them. Maybe its not them, but i know it is me. Cause things changed and we do have to accept it one way or another. From past, present, futrue. Im scared and maybe one day i'll be okay; hopefully... but for right now i dont know that i will be okay. Im COMPLICATED and CONFUSING!
I want to start all over but I dont want to. I want to continue but its all falling apart. Where do i start?

So Far...

What more is their for me to say...
Ughhhhhh well i have been going out with the family everyday and be spending ALOT of time with them. They have been keeping things off my mind, and so far its doing okay once in A WHILE. But i also spend sometime on my own. Yeah im going to admit my summer'09 has changed things for me and well i have been spending time alone; maybe alot than i should have. oh well. i hardly keep in touch with people. i feel bad but i guess i need time on my own for now. figure things out. im sorry.
so tomorrow or today i have alot to do. and yes bestfriend is coming today. and hopefully things work out tomorrow (sunday) HAH!
tonight... bestfriend is cheering me up with everything and its doing alright but i still miss him. D;